Sexual Oneness

There's a story Anabel and I heard years ago—neither of us recalls the source. But it wonderfully illustrates the different way men and women view the physical relationship. The story is about a young couple, very committed to the Lord, who are engaged to be married.

It's past midnight, and they've been to a movie. He has tenderly kissed her goodnight two or three times, and he's heading down the front walk to his car. The young man is praying, "Oh Lord, I want to thank You for giving me the strength to keep my physical desires under control all during our dating. You know it hasn't been easy!

"Lord, there are still two more weeks till we get married, and that means two more weeks that I'll have to restrain myself. I know Your grace is sufficient, but if You could just let these two weeks zip by I'd certainly be grateful!"

We're talking about a frustrated young man. On a one-to-ten scale, his fulfillment level is about at four.

Now let's look in on the bride-to-be. She's standing inside the house with her back against the door, his kisses still warm on her lips, an enraptured look on her face. The two of them had eaten popcorn out of the same sack at the movies, and to her, this was such an intimate, special experience that she slipped one of the kernels into the pocket of her sweater so she could press it in her diary. She has taken it from her pocket and is holding it close to her lips. She's praying, too: "Oh Lord, what a marvelous, glorious evening! What bliss! (She kisses the kernel of popcorn tenderly.) In two wonderful weeks we'll be married! These are going to be the most glorious two weeks of my life! "Lord, let me savor every wedding shower. Let me linger over every gift. Let me live each lovely experience to the fullest, so that I will be able to remember every precious moment." You can see that her fulfillment level is registering at about an eight or maybe even a nine.

When the two weeks pass, the guy finally gets his princess into the castle and raises the drawbridge. His attitude is: "All right, Let's get on with this thing! Rain on that popcorn routine!" And he muffs it eighteen ways from Sunday! Guys, we have got to get it through our thick heads that, when it comes to women, we're dealing with "popcorn-type people."

Anabel: Our popcorn story only begins to illustrate the difference in the sexual makeup of men and women. In actual fact, the difference is so immense that it's difficult to define. Sex for the woman begins at 6:00 a.m. She notices the way her husband says, "Good morning," and is nurtured through his tenderness, attentiveness, and kindness throughout the day. This creates the desire within her to express her love for him, and she will respond to his sexual advances.

Bill: On the other hand, the male can have a horrible day at work, receive no love notes or tenderness of any kind, and then see a curvy female on the way home and be ready for passionate love the moment he steps through the door. We don't mean to imply that sex isn't pleasurable to females, but the two genders certainly differ in their views. In one of his lectures, author Josh McDowell cites a survey that makes the point very clear. He asked Christian singles who had engaged in premarital sex to write down the reason they had done so. The males responded, "I needed it." The females stated, "I loved him." Consider the implications of that.

Anabel: It is quite common for women to use sex to control or manipulate. Too many of us have the attitude: "If you have been very good, Husband, I will reward you tonight, and we will make love. If you have not performed to suit me (meaning that you have not sufficiently met my needs), I may develop a severe headache before I go to bed, complain about my back hurting or how tired I am." That is not Christ living through me. You see, Christ does not cease to be my Life when I walk into my bedroom. He is my Life, period.

Bill: Our thinking has been polluted in the world, and we have believed the lie that we must hang the Holy Spirit on the hook in the hall as we walk through the bedroom door. It is not only appropriate, but also incumbent upon me to pray, prior to entering into the sex act, "Lord, I'm trusting You to express tenderness and love through me to my wife. Use me to make this a very special, enjoyable time for her." Hey, if we pray for mundane things like parking places, does it make sense to enter into something as significant as the sex act in our own strength?

I have counseled men who are troubled with premature ejaculation, impotency, and other sexual performance problems (not physical in origin) who have experienced significant improvement through trusting Christ as Life during the sex act with their wife. Reading the books we're going to recommend is most helpful. But allowing Christ's Life to be expressed through you remains the key to being able to do what the books teach.

Now, we're certainly not teaching that Christ is having sex with the spouse, for heaven's sake. I am the vessel; He is the Life of the vessel. In my shop I have an electric sander. The electricity does not sand the boards; it is simply the life of the sander. The electricity enables the sander to perform as it was intended to by its creator.

Anabel: What Bill has said to the men about having the right mind-set is true for women, too. "Lord, use me to make this all that my husband needs it to be." Setting our minds on His Life within us gives us the power we need to enter into sexual intimacy with our hubbies, even when that might be the last thing on earth we want to do at the time.

Many women will concur that there have been times when they have willingly responded to their husband's sexual overtures even though they themselves did not reach a climax. Their attitude during those times had been one of comfort at having pleased their husbands.

Bill: The message from the world via TV, movies, print, books, and magazines is that unless a husband is able to produce surefire ecstasy for his wife each time they go to bed, he's not a "real" man. That's a lie. Those scripts are written by hot-blooded individuals with vivid imaginations. Watching, listening to, or reading their lies sets people up for frustration. Let's face it—it's impossible for humans to keep on bettering their last performance indefinitely in any endeavor on Planet Earth. This includes the sex act.

Similarly, the world tells us that unless a wife is a tiger in bed, she is a failure as a sex partner. Another lie. The unspoken conclusion is that the husband is justified in searching for greener pastures outside his marriage vow. That, too, is a lie.

Remember, God's laws are for our supreme well-being. By limiting us to sex with our spouses, He is not a party-pooper. That's not God! I wish you could hear some of the stories I've heard from both men and women who have violated this one law of God and are now struggling with the memories.

Anabel: God created sex, establishing these parameters that lead to ultimate fulfillment—and He intends for married couples to experience pleasure in this aspect of His creation. He views this act, and it is holy before Him. Keeping this in mind will allow us to enter into the act of marriage with fewer inhibitions.

I admire the preacher's wife who confided what she had given her husband for his birthday. She went to the lingerie department and chose a very risqué nightie, then to the gift wrap department and had it wrapped in masculine paper. (Raised a few eyebrows in that department.) When she presented her gift to her hubby, he said that it was one of the most appreciated gifts he had ever received.

Our husbands don't want us to be the aggressors in our sexual relationship all the time, but they really love it when we occasionally surprise them.

Bill: Yes, a husband is delighted when his wife adds a spicy surprise to their sex life. I want to add, however, that sometimes a husband makes sexual demands on his wife which he might view as innovative and exciting, but which are offensive to her. If he insists that she comply with his demands, it is not Christ expressing His Life through the husband. Christ would never impose His will just to get his needs satisfied. That's a flesh trip.