Q & A with Lucifer

We thought it would be beneficial and pertinent to share the following interview with you. The text is condensed from several conversations with Lucifer R. Satan, the king of this world, who is seeking the office of King of kings and Lord of lords. He has been from the beginning of time a liar, deceiver, tempter and accuser par excellence. It is generally agreed that he is the most handsome, beautiful creature ever created. By way of his charismatic personality, administrative prowess and creative genius, he has built an empire of great historical and worldwide influence, founded under the title Hell, Inc. He now serves as the company's President and Chairman.

Q Lucifer, I don't suppose there is anyone more qualified to discuss the topic of deceit and deception than you are. But before we begin our discussion of that topic, how did you get into this field?

A Actually, it began as only a limited vision on my part, but has escalated far beyond my wildest dreams. I began a small rebellion in heaven, a place not of this world, questioning the worthiness of God. By the way, He holds the position I'm currently trying to usurp. Anyway, when He got wind of my rebellion He removed me from my position as archangel and forced me to leave heaven along with all those sympathizing with my cause. I had no idea so many would follow my lead, but 30-35% joined in my rebellion.

Q You mentioned your desire to attain the position and title of King of kings. Is that your fundamental goal?

A Specifically, my principal goal, and the primary aim I've dictated to my underlings, is this: To undermine the Kingdom of God and place myself in the highest position in the universe. This will be done through the intrigue and deceit of mankind, God's highest creation.

Q Why do you see mankind as your ticket to this exalted title? It would seem you'd war against God Himself.

A No, no. God is much too strong and self-assured for a hostile takeover bid. We must resort to subterfuge of a more devious nature. His area of vulnerability lies within the heart of man. For whatever reason--He says it's love--He put all of His eggs in one basket and called it mankind. Stupidly, He gave man the freedom to choose between loving Him or going independent. And, He rests His kingdom on man's decision. This is God's "soft underbelly," to quote one of your great men, Winston Churchill, and this is my target.

Q Lucifer, while you are apparently enjoying great progress toward achieving your goal, there is still much opposition to you and your schemes. I would assume, then, that the plan for ultimately gaining your sought-after title is complex to say the least?

A Well, one might think so, but this is not the case by and large. Complex plans require a bureaucracy and extensive training programs. We make every effort to employ the simplest attack possible. Astutely manipulated, this is the heart and soul of deceit and deception, There are times when we go to...

Q Excuse me for interrupting you, but I find your last point rather phenomenal. If it wouldn't be a breach of security, could you discuss in more detail what you mean when you say, "employ the simplest attack possible"?

A Oh, certainly, and there's no breach of security. Besides being as plain as the nose on your face, we have no standard practices that aren't recorded throughout the annals of history, literally by the volume, not to mention the world's all-time best seller, the Bible. Even the most advanced management and marketing theories strive for simplicity in their product development. We are no different. While we do have stratagems calling for direct frontal assaults, such as XXX rated movie theaters to tempt the sensual needs, most of our negotiation, that is temptation, is directed at the simple, mundane areas of life. Granted, it is great to make a big sale by enticing a strong Christian into a porn house while he's away from home on business. But, we have far more success with a simpler approach: compromised values while watching HBO; self-justification for a "small" impropriety; a novel with indiscretions that stick in the mind, etc. Ultimately, these pay off far more lucratively than a large, complex assault. This methodology has been implemented into every conceivable area of life.

Even though I am being this candid about our tactical philosophy, our organization is in no danger of losing our market share. Such simplicity is too absurd of the logic of man. He considers himself just a bit too brilliant to be duped by an elementary approach such as we employ. He rationalizes to himself, with some influence from our group, that to fall as he does to temptation must mean he is being assaulted by a force more complex than his mind can conceive. Thus, he finds that he...

Q Pardon me for interrupting again, but I feel we are on the verge here of understanding the genius of Hell, Inc. and your operational plan. Can you give us some additional strategy to illustrate your point?

A Sure. In fact, to demonstrate the ingenuity of our plan let me review the three primary strategies Hell, Inc. has developed. In our academy all of my associates become absolutely, unflinchingly proficient in these three methodologies: Impersonation, Character Assassination, and Scripture Quotation. These are referred to as "ICS."

We really don't worry much about those of mankind who are already ours. Because of the Great Coup (i.e., the Fall), their inherent sinful nature accepts just about whatever we throw at them. It is the Christian we are most concerned with.

Q Why is that?

A Because they belong to Christ. If they can be influenced to live in hypocrisy and disregard for their salvation, then Christ's kingdom is weakened and my desired title is a bit closer. They are, as I said earlier, God's "soft underbelly" and are mere pawns in my quest for God's title.

Q Thank you for elaborating. Now you were saying something about ICS?

A Yes, right. Impersonation, or the "I," is simply to deceive the Believer regarding who the true enemy is. Even though the sinful propensity for independence was crucified and buried with Christ, we see no reason not to impersonate for our purposes of deception. This way all, or should I say the vast majority, of our "marketing efforts' seem like the Christian's idea, which is quite effective. They become introspective and self-condemning, searching for the cause and expending great spiritual effort to deal with the hideous "self." They think it is them when all the while it is us! It is very amusing and quit rewarding actually. This strategy alone has done more for the net profit at Hell, Inc. than any other methodology. And of course, once the Christian accepts our Impersonation as being his own idea, he's extremely vulnerable because he has officially sinned.

Q That is insidious!

A Isn't it? I love it! It's one of our finest implements.

Q And the second strategy, the "C"?

A Yes. This is a dandy as well. Its versatility makes it cunningly effective. While we do use Character Assassination on Believers--I hate calling them His children…it reminds me of their hereditary link--our principal execution of this strategy is accusation of God to the Believer. This is nothing more than a subtle shot at God, creating a quiet nagging question about His character or motives. It is precisely the same tack I took in birthing the Great Rebellion and founding Hell, Inc. To our credit, you hear and read our statements everywhere. In fact, this strategy is proliferating due to the increased stress in society. God is being blamed. It is only natural for man to question during stressful times. But to ask the right question, that is the key. The wrong query leads only to equally wrong, and sometimes more troubling, answers. For example, it is common to hear, "Why didn't God answer my prayers?" when the divorce papers arrive; "Doesn't He care about how hard I try to please Him?" when bankruptcy has to be filed; "Why [did he do this to] me when sickness sets in two days after vacation begins. There are a myriad of these questions, all indicting God that we have devised through strategy "C" and deployed through strategy "I." This way seems all very natural and innocuous. But, with perseverance, there is a pay off: the adulteration of God's character.

Even though the Bible strictly prohibits the concocted belief that God can instigate evil and wrongdoing, it leaves Him vulnerable to Character Assassination through His attributes of control and that of being all-powerful. That is, if He knows all and controls all and can do anything, it leaves His subjects precariously penetrable to, "Why didn't He do whatever?"

At this time the church and its theology and the world and its philosophy have pretty well adopted the ridiculous notions of God being at fault, man's vassalage to His whims, and Hell, Inc.'s relative remoteness and irresponsibility for having anything to do with it. And that's the way we want it, for now anyway.

Q So by questioning God's character to His children, or Believers, you hope to wear them down, making them vulnerable to receiving your accusations and becoming embittered toward Him.

A Embittered would be wonderful, but actually if they only sink to a moderate level of doubt and declare a small degree of independence, for the sake of self-preservation, our strategy "C" has been a success. Christians living in independence from God is our goal. With the achievement of that, I will usurp my sought-after title.

Q The final strategy of "ICS" is Scripture Quotation. I know that you employed this technique on Jesus Christ Himself. Are we to assume that scripture today is used as it was then?

A Absolutely. In many cases Christians today are no better off with the New Testament than they were without it in Jesus' day. I mean, they may have it but unless they know what's in it they won't get the benefit. And many of them only know what they've been taught or heard. I love to get hold of these folks because they don't know a lie from the truth, and by the time they figure out that they're parked in left field somewhere, it's too late. We can suggest in the midst of a hopeless situation that if they exercise and demonstrate enough faith then God will act. All the while we will quote verses such as Matthew 17:20, "Because of the littleness of your faith [you couldn't cast out this demon]; if you have faith as a mustard seedÂ… nothing shall be impossible to you." Isn't that great? What an exercise in frustration! Trying to make God do something by believing hard enough. Their biblical ignorance leaves them high and dry and they have gotten in their mess trying to follow quoted scripture. Now if Christians ever mature to where they can "rightly divide" God's Word, Hell, Inc. will be in trouble. But with ICS as a methodological strategy, I believe the chances are remote.

Q Lucifer, you are certainly wise and have devised an insidiously simple and deceptively attractive program. We appreciate your granting us this plainspoken view.

A It has been my pleasure. It is our vision that Hell, Inc. will one day rule the world and God's throne. The more public relation stunts I can perform, the better. Before we close, I'll challenge you to watch and observe. Even with my game plan in hand, Believers will look for me in the shadows, but never at home, in the car, while on break, and certainly not at church. They will be my puppets. The sniveling pawns are my conduit to God's throne. You watch and see!