Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? May it never be!

Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a harlot is one body with her? For He says, "The two will become one flesh."
1 Corinthians 6:15, 16 NAS

C.S. Lewis wrote, "The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again (Mere Christianity, London: Collins, Limited; 1952).

There can be no mistaking that Paul is talking about sexual purity and physical oneness through sexual intercourse in the verses above, and for some of us, discussing such "private" things can be uncomfortable. Why? Because we have allowed the world to press us into its mold and have come to think of this act of love from the world's viewpoint instead of from God's viewpoint. As Lewis said, the world typically would have us "isolate" the sex act, separating it from the other areas of oneness. But God intends for sexual intercourse to be the ultimate in the giving of yourself to your spouse: it is that level of giving which serves to seal your vow, to bond you together and allow you to express your love in its entirety; it is a beautiful expression of love between husband and wife; it is behavior acceptable before God, instituted by God, observed by God and pleasing to God. There should be no shame involved. It should certainly be a personal and intimate part of your life, but not because it's "dirty" or "something that you shouldn't talk about."

It is doubtful that there is one woman reading this who does not have negative patterns about sex burned into her memory banks. Perhaps your Victorian mother, who avoided any reference to sex like a dreaded plague, had a profound influence on what you think about sex; as a result, you may have a voracious sex drive or you may be totally uninterested, reluctant and frigid. Perhaps you were sexually abused or "misused" as you were growing up, and sex for you is now a terrible memory. There can be any number of negative patterns that can develop concerning sex, patterns that can potentially control your relationship with your husband and damage the extraordinary beauty of your physical oneness. These destructive patterns often run deep, but my dear one, they are patterns--they are not you. You are not to allow them to control you any more than I am to allow my patterns of super sensitivity to control me. Do you remember your true identity? Do you remember how Satan "speaks" to you Do you remember that these patterns are not you? That they are your flesh? (If you have trouble remembering the answers to these questions, review Lifetime Guarantee.)

Women view sex so differently than men do. For a woman, sex begins early in the morning when her husband is gentle and appreciative; it builds through the day when he listens to her, when he meets her for lunch, when he talks to her, when he shows interest in her plans and ideas, in her concerns. Tenderness, thoughtfulness, and meaningful interaction culminate in her longing to give herself to him, to express her love for him sexually.

This is the plan for sexual compatibility...responding to each other's needs. But husbands may often be ignorant of or insensitive to these needs of their wives...the very needs that stimulate the desire for intimacy and physical oneness. They attempt to control their wives through guilt or forced passion, getting their needs met their way.

Women, on the other hand, will often use the sex act as a system of reward or punishment--controlling in their way. If you've been nice to me, husband, I will reward you with lovemaking. If you have not been nice to me, I will develop a headache. This is wrong. Your husband may desire sex because he saw a voluptuous female walking down the street or because his secretary was seductively dressed, and there is nothing degrading about this. God created the male to be sexually aroused by a visual stimulus, and this doesn't mean that he "gloats lustfully, drools longingly, and fantasizes wildly" over what he sees. It means, simply, that he has a physical need. What happens to you when you see a chocolate cake? Granted, there is a balance in responding to both the "secretary" and the "cake" (you don't eat half the platter, right? And your husband doesn't flirt with his secretary), but don't make something obscene of his desire or put him a class with the "sexually obsessed" because he is stimulated by her appearance. Call him normal.

Furthermore, did you know that your husband may desperately need sex because a project he has been working on for the last six weeks failed? Or because his boss chewed him out at work? Or because he had to confront one of his employees? Sex is a God-given therapy in every realm of oneness--spiritually, physically, emotionally, and perceptually--and it is one of the most effective ways you can minister to your husband, edifying him, encouraging him, assuring him that he is very much a man, that he is desirable and is still everything to you.

Sexual compatibility greatly influences the aura of your relationship: your husband's male ego will be satisfied, his love for you will be enhanced, his sexual desires will be satisfied and the tension will be significantly reduced for both parties. If your sexual relationship isn't all that you would like for it to be, then you should educate yourself in that area. Let's say apple pie is your husband's favorite dessert...he told you that many times during your courtship. Well, you've tried Aunt Betty's recipe, Granma's recipe, a Better Homes and Gardens recipe and numerous others. At last you find the recipe and hear those infamous words, "Ah, just like Mama used to make." (Rather nauseating, isn't it?) But you throw away all the other recipes because you have found what you and he together have been searching for. Preparing bedroom delicacies should be approached in much the same way: try different ingredients, add your own touches, follow your creative impulses, read some good books (Love Life, by Dr. Ed Wheat, is excellent).

Physical oneness is the easiest oneness to achieve. There are millions of couples who become one only on the physical level, knowing nothing of the oneness that is possible through Jesus. This act can be very superficial, very shallow, meeting a temporary need for a brief span of time; and tragically, many marriages don't survive when this area of oneness is violated. A man and woman can be physically one and yet never be vulnerable or open in those deeper areas of oneness--perceptually and emotionally. True physical oneness can only be experienced in all its beauty when those who join themselves together, becoming one flesh and knowing each other deeply and intimately in the other realms of oneness.